Wednesday 25 January 2012

THE NEW GAME EVERYONE'S TALKING ABOUT

OUT NOW ON PC, XBOX AND PS3


LONDON RIOTS 2011


London Riots 2011 takes you to the heart of Tottenham where the mayhem began back in August. Experience the pain and anger all over again with an overdose of gang culture, theft and violence. This game will keep you so gripped on the action, you'll have no need to step out on the mean streets again. London Riots 2011 gives you the choice of 3 different player modes, including; 
  • The hoody- You cause unnecessary violence with your friends and get chased by the police, your mission is to avoid arrest and loot as much as you can before selling on your goods to earn money, the more cash you earn the stronger you become, making it easier for you to outrun the police. Try to loot TV'S, HI-FI'S and Basmati rice as these will earn you the most.
  • The terrified shop owner- This is not an easy mode as you will be under siege from baying mobs alot of the time, you must try to defend your shop with whatever weapons you can and try to help the police in catching any thugs who come your way.
  • The Police- Possibly the hardest mode of all, heavily outnumbered you must try to stop violent looters with as little force as possible, beware of hurting any youth or you could find yourself in alot of trouble. 
Complimenting London Riots 2011 single player campaign, you'll find an impressive multiplayer gang mode in which you can team up with other hoodlums and take the streets. So what are you waiting for get down to your local store now and buy (NOT LOOT) this game for only £29.99.

Here's what the star's are saying about the new game.

"THIS GAME REPRESENTS EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH THIS COUNTRY, HAVING SAID THAT I QUITE ENJOYED IT"

COLIN FIRTH, ACTOR

"BAN THIS NOW! ACTUALLY JUST WAIT A MINUTE I'M DOING QUITE WELL HERE"

BORIS JOHNSON, MAYOR OF LONDON

"THIS IS TOTES AMAZEBALLS"

JOEY ESSEX, TV THICKO

Friday 20 January 2012

DESPERATE COLE BEGS ON STREET


Fallen star Cheryl Cole cut a destitute figure on the streets of Bethnal Green yesterday, where she was seen begging passers by for cash as she lay with just a blanket and a can of Tennants Super.

Desperate Cole yesterday
It is hard to imagine that just over a year ago the former Girls Aloud beauty was the most sought after woman in the country. Yesterday, broke and homeless, she looked unrecognisable. The shiny chestnut locks she once waved around so elegantly in the L'oreal adverts had all gone, now it was just a tangled greasy mess, with roots showing and dirt visible. There was no sign of the glamorous dresses she once wore on the X Factor either, instead she appeared to be wearing an old coat that was two sizes too big, a pair of corduroy trousers and some sandals.


Begging

The public were unaware that it was Cheryl Cole asking them for any spare change and thought it was just your average everday tramp. But 22 year old Bethany Green who lives in the area did recognise Mrs Cole and tried to help the rock bottom star. She told us "I usually just walk straight past the homeless and ignore them, but when I heard a voice that said "Have you got any spare change please pet", I knew it was Cheryl. I'm a big fan of her's and felt I had to help, so I gave her all the money I had on me which was £4.98, I wished her well and went about my business. Unfortunately, when I returned an hour later she was passed out on a nearby bench having spent my money on booze, I was fuming, what's the point in trying to help her if she can't help herself".

Busking

Earlier in the day the 28 year old Geordie was reported to be singing to passers by at a busy shopping centre, laying down an old hat for money to be put in. James Wigwam a local shop assistant was not having any of it though and scoffed, "I was going to throw a pound in her hat, but when I got closer I realised she was hiding a ghettoblaster under her coat and miming the words, so I thought better of it. Maybe she never really had much talent, but it's sad to see her like this".

Support

The lack of support for Cheryl Cole from her family and so called showbiz friends has been evident. When asked about it a few said they had tried to help her but she had refused their offer. One close pal from the streets going by the name of 'Dirty Mark' blamed part of her downfall on Simon Cowell. He explained politely "I blame Cowell, the cunt."


Other fallen stars

Lee Sharpe

The ex Manchester United footballer had the world at his feet in the early nineties, becoming a hit on and off the field, but due to some bad injuries and late nights he found himself playing for Bradford, he briefly made the step up to Icelandic side Grindavik, before retiring from the game in 2003. Desperate for cash, Sharpe then made a few reality TV apperances, including Celebrity Love Island, where he kissed all the girls. Also on the programme was ex Hollyoaks tool Paul Danan and the pair were to become friends. They later decided to go into business together setting up a greasy spoon cafe in Littlehampton called 'Lee Sharpe and Paul Danan's Cafe'. This however turned out to be a disaster as neither could really cook and due to heavy partying the cafe rarely opened before 11am. With no money coming in the cafe quickly closed and the pair went their separate ways. Sharpe eventually moved back to his Mum and Dad's in Worcestershire where he holds down a part-time job in a factory assembling fruit machine reels.

Lenny Henry

Whatever happened to Lenny Henry? That is a question people are asking everyday, well we have the answer. Having shot to fame in the 1980's the comedian began an illustrious career spanning over two decades, until one day in early 2004 people began to question whether Henry was actually funny. After a full investigation and a series of medical tests the Dudley born star was found guilty of fooling the public into thinking he was funny and sentenced to only being allowed on TV for comic relief. Henry believed he was innoncent and battled hard to get back to where he was, but to no avail. His marriage to actress Dawn French also broke down and they eventually split. Little is known of Lenny these days but if rumour is to be believed he got a job working at a Premier Inn. Coventry, off the M6.

Orville

Orville the Duck and comedy partner Keith Harris had people laughing uncontrollably during the eighties and nineties and embarked on numerous successful tours across the country. Unfortunately this eventually put a strain on their relationship. One late night incident in June 1994 at Butlins' Skegness resort the pair came to blows after a heated exchange and the partnership dissolved. Orville attempted to continue on his own but without Keith Harris the act became lifeless. They have since put their differences aside and have made many cameo apperances on TV, but tensions remain visible between the two. Orville now lives a solitary life in a bedsit above Oddbins in Reading.